I'm figuring out this weird plane of existence we call "life". Y'know?
Writer of Clementine. You don't know what it is yet.
At the moment I’m typing this, I’m sweating. I’m sweating, shaking, and full of a kind of fear that I’ve never felt before.
This month, I attempt to film my first short film. I use the word “attempt”, because I do not know what will happen over the next few days, weeks, months even. Everything might fall apart. I (or worse, someone else) might suffer something horrific. Equipment might break. A whole host of uncertainties may happen.
Ever since I was a little one, I’ve always loved cinema. I’ve always been fascinated by the hundreds and hundreds of frames that reflect off of the enormous silver screen, and enter your inquiring eyes. The vision that a genius with infinite potential graciously wants to show you. Whether it be a space odyssey or teens trying to get by, film allows us to enter multiple perspectives. Multiple perspectives guided by one person.
I’ve always wanted to be Stanley Kubrick. I wanted to be intelligent like him. At least until the F in my math class tells me otherwise.
As I got older, more people offered me their perspective. Geniuses like Edgar Wright, or Shane Carruth, or Terrence Malick, or Gareth Evans. The infinite talents of their creativity that, to me, seem unreachable. I’m a Hispanic 18 year old in a boring town. I go to college, and do nothing the rest of the day. What do I have to offer to the world? What’s MY perspective?
The truth is, even as I’m feverishly planning this short film, I don’t know.
I love my passion. I adore it to the ends of the world. I think I have good ideas for films. I think. I have an amazing cast and crew, whose talents far exceed mine. I think I have a perspective.
But will it matter?
Will people like it? Will they hate it? Will they praise it? Will they write mean comments about it?
Can my passion turn into a career? Could I have a film at Sundance? Could I have a film that plays nationwide? Could I be nominated for an Oscar? Could I win an Oscar?
Or will I stay here?
So many things can happen. Fate is a tree of constant and numerically daunting possibilities. Literally everything can happen.
And I’m here. Planning a film. And I’m scared. And that’s okay.
I want it to be as perfect as it can be. I care enough to pour my heart and soul into this project. And yeah, I’m taking a load of risks, but fuck it. The experience will be incredibly valuable, and I’ll work with the people I love. I would NEVER trade my cast and crew for anything, ever.
So maybe I’ll get nowhere in life. Or maybe I’ll live on doing what I love. Anything can happen. And I’m ready for it.
I’m gonna…try and use this thing more. No promises.